It's OK to NOT be Fine.

How Are You? It's one of (if not THE) most asked auto-pilot, knee-jerk questions in the universe. And yes I mean universe. I do believe in ET and I bet when he phoned home he said, "Hi ma, How are you?".

The knee-jerk response of course is I'm fine or some variation of  "I'm fine". The truth is, of course, that many of us are not FINE but we say that we are because not being fine - expressing any level of emotional or mental illness - brings the conversation to a screeching halt. The stigma associated with emotional or mental illness stumps the ask-er and embarrasses the answer-er.

In the time of COVID-19 the number of people who are not fine is rising exponentially. (I hope that's the right word). It doesn't matter that it's a matter of degrees. Not fine is Not fine and we have to figure out how to de-stigmatize it.

It's hard because, the question just pops out and we feel we must answer it. I know I've struggled with the answer lately. I'm not fine. I vacillate between scared, anxious and depressed regularly right now and I'm not fond of lying even little white ones. So I am uncomfortable when asked "How are You?" I've taken to making jokes "I'm pleading the 5th" or "That's a loaded question in today's world, isn't it?" Both responses bring a laugh and the moment is gone we (me and my fellow human) can move on so I don't have to explain. It's not a healthy interaction for either of us.

I don't have all the (or maybe any) answers to the dilemma. I write simply to shine a spotlight on it while I think out loud.

I am not suggesting we stop asking "How are you?". Not at all. Instead, I believe I should try to be more present when I ask "How are you?" and be prepared to stay present with the emotion that comes with the answer. I don't have to solve anyone's distress. Listening non-judgmentally may be the best gift we can give another human being.

Not to put too fine a point on it, being present in the emotion that comes with the answer works for answers that are happy, fine, excited, etc as well. Too often, we are paying so little attention to our conversations that we also miss the opportunity to share in someone else's joy.

Keep Smiling Keep Moving
-Paula

Be The Difference

Skippy and Okra in the Time of COVID-19

I took an early morning walk to the grocery store. We needed just a few items; the store is less than a mile from my house; and walking the neighborhood is a good way to get some fresh air and exercise and easily keep 6 feet between me and other humans. The early hour I hoped would mean less people shopping as well. (I was right). The few things we needed would easily fit in my backpack so off I went.

One of the items I wanted was frozen veggies. Yes, I had heard that they were in short supply. I keep hoping I'll hit the store at the right time. I don't want to hoard but we I do eat a lot of vegetables and running out would make me sad. Just another bag or two would have been good. As expected the frozen food aisle was decimated. The vegetable freezer cabinets were empty save for 6 bags of okra. Two other people (besides me) looked at them and walked away. I think that says something about Okra.

I also ventured over to the peanut butter aisle. It too was sparse. The remaining supply consisted predominately of Skippy. Need I say more?

My takeaway - COVID-19 crisis mode is when the Skippy and Okra are gone.

The Economics of Mediation

Back in 2016 I began a series of posts on mediation. I even created a separate tab for them. The first blog in that tab made this statement  "I'm expanding the scope of my blog to include to include talk about mediation and conflict resolution. It's an area of study that I've become passionate about." That was over 3 years ago! 😲 Even though the effort lasted only 4 posts, I wasn't lying. I was - and still am - passionate about mediation and conflict resolution. I have no answer that adequately explains why I stopped writing. Sometimes you just have to say "I don't know" when you don't know!

I've been inspired to write about it again by a segment on the "Hidden Brain" Podcast. As a believer in the statement "money does not buy happiness", the title of this episode Emotional Currency: How Money Shapes Human Relationships sucked me right in. I was really curious how this was going to go. I did not expect to make a connection to mediation, but it was hard not to with this statement near the beginning of the episode:

"The problem with barter is it really does depend on us each meeting each other's needs in that moment. And so the origin story of money that we have is that humans invented money essentially to be a mediator in these sorts of exchanges."

I began to mull the statement over. Probably way more than is necessary or appropriate. In fact, I missed the rest of the episode and how to go back and listen again to get it. It was a great listen. I do recommend it.

Back to my post - I had not thought of mediation as barter before ..... but it works. When two individuals or groups are in conflict or disagreeing over an outcome, mediation offers them the opportunity to find common ground upon which to communicate their needs and wants to resolve the issue. That statement is almost textbook mediation speak. Yet look how similar it is to the statement from the podcast about barter.

It's true, though. In mediation, the mediator facilitates communication to help the participants to think beyond the issue that's causing the impasse and discover what each needs or wants out of the relationship (personal or business). Sometimes that means helping them understand that a relationship even exists but that's a topic for another post perhaps.

Once the needs and wants are on the table, it becomes a matter of finding how the participants can exchange, satisfy or help with the needs or wants of the other then to use that to resolve the impasse. This is not nearly as simple as that statement makes it sound. Sometimes it can take hours or even days to work out but simply put the role of the mediator is to keep the parties focused on and moving toward potential success until they discover it.

Mediation is built on the principle of self-determination. The barter analogy helps understand that. In this context, self-determination means that the parties are the only ones who can know what they want and how to resolve the impasse. A judge may be able to settle the matter by imposing laws, rules or regulations but the settled effect is often temporary because it doesn't address what even the winner really wanted. Unless vengeance is really what they wanted.

Self-determination means finding the thing(s) we have to barter with. Sometimes the things to be exchanged are easily identified and tangible and we can see the connection or resolution on our own. When they are not, a mediator helps the parties explore and recognize the possibilities. The mediator does not have an opinion on how the matter should be resolved only that it probably can be.

I titled this post "The Economics of Mediation" before I started writing it. I chose it because of the connection between the words money and economics and the title of the podcast that inspired the post. But being the anxious personality that I am, I just looked up economics to be sure that my sense of the word matched its appropriateness for the title.

The first Google hit for "economics"  reads "the branch of knowledge concerned with the production, consumption, and transfer of wealth." The first google hit for "wealth" reads "an abundance of valuable possessions or money."  The title works for me. I hope this post works for you.

Keep Smiling Keep Moving
-Paula

Patterns

On today's walk along the Schuylkill Canal we (Julius, Dave and I) saw these patterns in the ice layer on the canal.

They were repeated all across the ice. Julius said the shapes reminded him of a photo of brain neurons. If you don't see it, look up brain neurons and you'll likely see it too. We talked a little bit as we walked about patterns. Isn't it strange that these random patterns in the ice look so much like the neurons. Is it coincidence or is there something else happening?

The conversation stuck with me. So much so that I had to do some searching. Truth be told of course, it doesn't take much for me to want to look things up. Anyway, I searched for "similar patterns in unrelated things" and "seeing patters in unrelated things". I didn't find what I was looking for (or what I thought I was looking for which admittedly isn't/wasn't clear to begin with) but I did learn two new words. "Seeing recognizable objects or patterns in otherwise random or unrelated objects or patterns is called pareidolia" and "(pareidolia) is a form of apophenia, which is a more general term for the human tendency to seek patterns in random information." Link to full article here.

Another friend, who was not on our walk but walks this section of trail often, told me the patterns in the ice were made by kids throwing rocks into the ice. I can see that now. I can also still see brain neurons.

Keep Smiling Keep Moving
-Paula

Challenge boost

Today was a strangely exhausting day. I can't pinpoint why. Maybe it's the fact that it's day 2 of a 5 day work week. Something I haven't had to do in awhile. Or maybe it was the dark gray skies that moved in ahead of the snow/sleet/rain thing that's happening now. Who knows. 

What I do know is that the last thing I wanted to do after work was put on gym clothes and workout. But I had promised myself I would go twice this week and Tuesday and Thursday seemed like the right days to do it. Still, I almost bailed anyway. What made me do it was the Keep Smiling Keep Moving challenge some of us at Perkis People are doing. I wanted to be able to say I had checked another item off the list. 

The challenge is not about how much we do, it's about just doing it. So I figured if  I changed my clothes and only managed some light stretching that would be enough. In the end I did more because of course the stretching got my blood moving and I felt better. But if it hadn't, it would have been ok too. 

I'm grateful for a support group (virtual or live) that helps to keep me going. 

Keep Smiling Keep Moving

-Paula