Saturday, November 30, 2013

It's All a Mind Game

I had everything laid out and ready to go. Layers laid out, hydration pack topped off, electrolyte tabs, sunglasses, camera (cause I knew it would be a pretty day), shoes, socks, hat and headband (it would be pretty AND pretty cold). My alarm was set for 5:45. I skipped the Nova-Kansas game (in which Nova upset #2 Kansas!) because it started too late for my 5:45 wake up. I was excited for the potential to add 5 (!!!) people to my list, to learn about some new (to me) trails at Valley Forge, to see some friends I have not run with or seen in a pretty long time.

I went to my bedroom to read near 10 pm and lights out shortly thereafter. I fell asleep for about an hour. Then I tossed and turned and turned and tossed. I couldn't shut my brain off. At 3:15 or so I got up and left a message for the group that I would not make it. I came back to bed and fell sound asleep until just before 8.

It wasn't the early hour that had me in knots. Heck, we were up and out at 3:30 for parade duties and it was just as cold. Colder because we had to stand around.

It wasn't the trails that scared me. I love running trails. I've discovered that I really really do. And I discovered years ago that I enjoy cold weather running too. Here was a chance to do both.

It's all a mind game. I know that but knowing that isn't helping. I feel out of my league - because I am out of my league - with the trail group. They say they don't care and I believe them. And truly if I got separated it wouldn't be a big deal either. We were meeting at Valley Forge. I'd eventually end up somewhere that is familiar and find my way back to my car.

Still, I'm afraid. I feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not and I feel like everyone knows it and I feel like they probably wish I'd go away so they don't have to babysit me ......... so I do. I thought running, in general, had helped me get over that but I obviously still need work. I want to blend into the background but instead I'm standing out worse because I keep say I'm going to show up and then I don't. Not a very proud moment for me right now.

And worst of all. I'm missing out on stuff I really want to do. The same thing is going to happen in the Spring when I try to cycle with a group if I don't get over this.

I have things to do today. Can't dwell on this right now, so I write it to get it out of my head.

Keep smiling and keep moving.


  1. I may not run, but darn if this post doesn't prove, even more so, that we are sisters! I know these feelings well. Hard as it is, try and focus on the positive, ALL that you have accomplished and how far you have come since you embarked on this adventure... but most of all KEEP SMILING, KEEP MOVING!!!! HUGS!!

  2. It shouldn't be surprising I guess - but it feels like you are writing about what's in my own head. Mind games - a kind of private hell. Love you!

  3. I do this too. We're all cheering you on! Love you!