I had everything laid out and ready to go. Layers laid out, hydration pack topped off, electrolyte tabs, sunglasses, camera (cause I knew it would be a pretty day), shoes, socks, hat and headband (it would be pretty AND pretty cold). My alarm was set for 5:45. I skipped the Nova-Kansas game (in which Nova upset #2 Kansas!) because it started too late for my 5:45 wake up. I was excited for the potential to add 5 (!!!) people to my list, to learn about some new (to me) trails at Valley Forge, to see some friends I have not run with or seen in a pretty long time.
I went to my bedroom to read near 10 pm and lights out shortly thereafter. I fell asleep for about an hour. Then I tossed and turned and turned and tossed. I couldn't shut my brain off. At 3:15 or so I got up and left a message for the group that I would not make it. I came back to bed and fell sound asleep until just before 8.
It wasn't the early hour that had me in knots. Heck, we were up and out at 3:30 for parade duties and it was just as cold. Colder because we had to stand around.
It wasn't the trails that scared me. I love running trails. I've discovered that I really really do. And I discovered years ago that I enjoy cold weather running too. Here was a chance to do both.
It's all a mind game. I know that but knowing that isn't helping. I feel out of my league - because I am out of my league - with the trail group. They say they don't care and I believe them. And truly if I got separated it wouldn't be a big deal either. We were meeting at Valley Forge. I'd eventually end up somewhere that is familiar and find my way back to my car.
Still, I'm afraid. I feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not and I feel like everyone knows it and I feel like they probably wish I'd go away so they don't have to babysit me ......... so I do. I thought running, in general, had helped me get over that but I obviously still need work. I want to blend into the background but instead I'm standing out worse because I keep say I'm going to show up and then I don't. Not a very proud moment for me right now.
And worst of all. I'm missing out on stuff I really want to do. The same thing is going to happen in the Spring when I try to cycle with a group if I don't get over this.
I have things to do today. Can't dwell on this right now, so I write it to get it out of my head.
Keep smiling and keep moving.