The knee-jerk response of course is I'm fine or some variation of "I'm fine". The truth is, of course, that many of us are not FINE but we say that we are because not being fine - expressing any level of emotional or mental illness - brings the conversation to a screeching halt. The stigma associated with emotional or mental illness stumps the ask-er and embarrasses the answer-er.
In the time of COVID-19 the number of people who are not fine is rising exponentially. (I hope that's the right word). It doesn't matter that it's a matter of degrees. Not fine is Not fine and we have to figure out how to de-stigmatize it.
It's hard because, the question just pops out and we feel we must answer it. I know I've struggled with the answer lately. I'm not fine. I vacillate between scared, anxious and depressed regularly right now and I'm not fond of lying even little white ones. So I am uncomfortable when asked "How are You?" I've taken to making jokes "I'm pleading the 5th" or "That's a loaded question in today's world, isn't it?" Both responses bring a laugh and the moment is gone we (me and my fellow human) can move on so I don't have to explain. It's not a healthy interaction for either of us.
I don't have all the (or maybe any) answers to the dilemma. I write simply to shine a spotlight on it while I think out loud.
I am not suggesting we stop asking "How are you?". Not at all. Instead, I believe I should try to be more present when I ask "How are you?" and be prepared to stay present with the emotion that comes with the answer. I don't have to solve anyone's distress. Listening non-judgmentally may be the best gift we can give another human being.
Not to put too fine a point on it, being present in the emotion that comes with the answer works for answers that are happy, fine, excited, etc as well. Too often, we are paying so little attention to our conversations that we also miss the opportunity to share in someone else's joy.
Keep Smiling Keep Moving
-Paula
Be The Difference
I think this is really important. I struggle with being okay with telling people I am not fine. Somehow it seems easier when you know someone is asking about a physical illness or malady. If I knew you have had an injury and I ask how you're doing, I would not be surprised or offended if you say you are in pain (nor would I hesitate as much to say it myself). It's interesting that we often don't extend nearly as much grace to our mental state.
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