Anxiety and the Perfectionist

I lost my phone yesterday.

If you know me, you know that my phone and I are not in a serious relationship. I use it to phone, text and take photos. The latter being it's main function for me.

I do not do social media or email with it. I rarely connect to the Internet with it. When I do, it's because someone texted me a link and it's too long to copy (by hand) to my iPad or computer browser. And then there was the time I missed a trail marker and got lost on a hike and needed the GPS to find my way back and (it turned out) off someone's private property. 😨 Even then I connected with reluctance.

All that to say that being without it isn't a hardship.

Except for the knot inside that just won't go away.

Since I determined the phone was truly lost I can't stop thinking about how stupid it was to lose it and how losing it will impact others and our budget. The knot inside me is a reminder that my carelessness has caused a problem(s). The list of  'should haves' is endless. You can try to tell me that's it's going to be ok and deep down if I think really hard I might believe you -- for a little while -- and then I'll be back to feeling crummy about it.

I am a perfectionist. It sounds like a good thing but I've come to realize that perfectionism is just a coping mechanism for anxiety. By DSM standards, my anxiety probably doesn't register. However, it is real enough to have an effect on me and I'm willing to bet I am not the only one who deals with this. Which is why I'm sharing this post.

I'm not writing this looking for hugs or support. In fact, that's one of the reasons I almost deleted this post. It's part of the anxiety - worrying what others will think.

I'm writing this and sharing it because "saying" it out loud does help. And I've come to realize that sharing our weaknesses is just as important as sharing our strengths. Not because we want people to tell us "everything will be alright" but because there is strength in being vulnerable.

On the upside, the paralysis that comes from my anxiety about 'screwing up' only lasted an hour or two. The knot is still there reminding me but I did not crawl into a ball and keep myself from enjoying other things. I disabled the service through my provider's website and went out to enjoy a wonderful evening watching Lancaster Youth Productions presentation of  "The Prince and the Pauper" at Garden Spot Village.

Keep Smiling Keep Moving
-Paula