Celebration of Life

That’s what we did on Saturday 6/15 for my dad. As it was happening, I thought it went well. The remembrances shared by my sister Kt, my daughter Emma & niece Amanda, dad’s best friend Marco, my step brother Allan, and a colleague of Dad’s from the clinic where he translated Spanish and English for the patients served well to help all of us transition to the next phase of our lives without him. As the event wore on - and even back at my step mom’s house with immediate family -I felt… well to tell the truth I’m not sure what I felt. I thought I was fine but looking back I was probably just in a haze.

I listened to the thoughts and experiences that were shared about my Dad. I remember all the events that were referenced but not the feelings that apparently went with them. The insights (if that’s the right word) shared by my sister, my daughter, and my niece were new to me. I was seeing my dad through their eyes and realized I didn’t have the same experience or depth of feeling that they did.

Don’t misunderstand this. I do not have any regrets. My dad and I had a relationship and – although like everyone else I wish he was still here – I don’t feel like there are missed opportunities with him. I have many memories and I loved him ….. but in a significantly different way than others did. The sadness I’m feeling right now comes from worrying that I’m bad or weird or wrong because I can’t speak eloquently (or at all) about our relationship.

I'm working hard to forgive myself for being who I am. It's hard and it sucks.

Keep moving and keep smiling (and hope no one notices)
-Paula